For anybody on here, I'd like to engage in a somewhat serious dialogue regarding pro & con. In my 20's BDSM was something that we regarding as being tied up, restraining, safe words, etc. In the last 25+ years it seems it's become more controlled, even well after activities are done. I'm sure there is a segment of the population that desires that a large part or there lives are monitored & planned out but with everything going on recently, isn't the idea of slavery past it's time? Whatever happened to sexual spontaneous behavior, isn't that have many of us came to be?

 

Lenny, I think there are differing desires between each individual. Some enjoy BDSM to a slight degree just in the bedroom, others enjoy more intense roles, still just in the bedroom. There is a group of the population who enjoy their roles permanently. I know of couples who switch roles as well, even in public. It all depends on the individual and the most important aspect is to listen to the other person’s desires and limits.

 

Thanks for being the 1st replied, I hope to not open a can of worms with this topic, I can; understand it & have even participated in light bondage ( life is tough enough, without having the title of " Sex Act Gone Wrong Killer" attached to one. I'm seeing at as a full-time controling aspect, almost mind control, almost cult like & I know, they can get out of there " contract" at anytime. Besides being at crossroads in one's life, "in a box", it's really being at your master's beck & call. It's basically sophomore year in high school, your mine, don't talk to these people, you will do my homework, you have to sit at this lunch table. For me, an independent person, who's free to think, come, go, engage in discussion, is more attractive than," I need to ask my other people I'm in a situation with if I can go to Starbucks with you". Unless the guy has a 11 inch cock, with Christy Brinkley being the other controller, with a Goldman Sachs bankroll, it's really nonsense. Go ahead start bashing, tell me just how stupid I am for not "understanding" this lifestyle. Convince me that it's not a 16 year olds mindfuck.

 

BDSM has multiple aspects and meanings. Even the acronym can be divided. BD = bondage and discipline, DS = domination and submission, SM = sadism snd masochism.

Some people like control and some people like giving it up. They may or may not want to engage in bondage or beatings. Plenty of people still like bondage and beatings without any power exchange. Also, those are not necessarily sexual.

Modern consensual lifestyle slavery is not the same as historical slavery. The emphasis is on consensual. There have been discussions throughout the M/s community on the terminology we use, but there’s no M/s Ruler In The Sky who officiated on how people self-identify. I’ve used “slave” since I was in my early 20s. I don’t know what other word would work better. I’ve thought about it; I rather like “bondmaid.”

Whatever it’s called, there’s nothing wrong with power exchange relationships that are consensual. I function best when I’ve transferred authority to a person I love and trust. It gives me structure. I choose to serve. I still have a job, a family, friends, a life. A life I live in the way that works for me.

 

I have thought about it and joined a couple bdsm groups. Upon joining these groups it felt sometimes like I had to fit into a certain category. Over the last couple years I would more likely say I am a hypersexual semi dom. Just never sure how to structure a conversation in regards to looking for a sub. So I have never really tried. I have much respect for people who have gotten to know themselves well enough to venture out. I do feel that bdsm is the next level for more people who are awoken sexually. Although I wonder if its more then just the sexual part. So I am here to no only ask how to further myself in finding a sub but to learn as well. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for your time in reading my post.

 

The only way to get out there is to get out there. When coronavirus restrictions are lifted, go to a munch. Meet real people. We’re extremely normal in most respects. The weirdest thing about hanging around BDSM people in person is how weird it isn’t.

For me, BDSM is completely nonsexual. I just really like pain. It feels good to me. It doesn’t turn me on at all. Service isn’t sexual for me either. It’s a deeply satisfying relationship method.

 

It seems as if "controllers" prey on week minded individuals who are disillusioned with many aspects of their lives & need someone to call the shots for them. Again, it's a shame when any & all people give up their ability to make their own choices & have the power to make their own decisions & know what's really right for them. It's safe to say,they are empowered when they take away the victims power, again 16 yearold mindfuck done by duechbags & pussys.

 

So does that mean I’m a weak-minded individual and a victim? That my husband is a douchebag and a pussy?

I gave you a serious reply. I thought you wanted a discussion.

 

I find anyone who wants & craves control over another adult, another adult that has given up their desire to have control over their own needs, desires, even thought abhorant, granted, it's their choice but this isn't the life of junior high school. As for you & your husband, I'm sure that any controlled individual should be just so fortunate to be at your mercy & I'm so way out of my league when it comes to having any discussions with you about sexuality, you guys can call it what you want, it's a form of sexual slavery. It's a shame when a person can only get off, while keeping the other person down. And yes, anyone who enjoys this has got more problems then the ones the control, doesn't matter who you want to quote.

 

Nicely pointed. A dom sub relationship is foremost based on trust. Something that's forgotten often by some idiots

 

I have not given up all my control. He hasn’t taken total control. We negotiate these things.

Do you obey laws? Do you listen to your boss at work? Are you weak-minded?

Are people who join the military abhorrent? Are the officers in middle school?

It’s not sexual for a lot of us. It’s not about getting off. It’s a lifestyle that works for us, it’s a relationship dynamic.

I’m not micromanaged. He’s not dictating every step of my day. He doesn’t want to. I personally find that having some decisions made for me frees up my mind. I don’t have to worry about pleasing everyone; I can concentrate on one person. I can really be myself inside. I feel more free internally. And I choose to serve. It’s fulfilling. I like to see that I’ve made him happy and I’ve accomplished something. It makes me happy to do that.

This is who we are. This is how we love.

If you’re just going to throw insults around and not directly address anyone’s points, I really don’t think it’s a discussion you wanted.

 

I don’t think M/s precludes a person serving freely and openly. We agreed to do that at the beginning of the relationship. For me it just means that we aren’t re-negotiating every step of the way.

I know people in D/s relationships who have very strict rules and people in M/s relationships who are much more laid back. It’s really what each person makes of it.

I agree that 50 Shades gave people a lot of wrong ideas!

 

I confess that full time dom/sub relationships squiff me out, and I feel bad about myself for it because I like to be open-minded and accepting about anything consensual.

In an academic sense, I understand it. I've read articles, listened to interviews with people in those kind of relationships, and read wonderfully insightful posts here, often by @VenusInFurze. But my emotional reaction is still that it makes me uneasy because it looks too much like controlling and abusive relationships I've seen.

So I keep trying to learn more. Thanks for posting, everyone!

 

The closest I have ever came to bdsm is tying down a woman and going over her body with a feather.
It was fun for both of us. I had to call it quits when she wanted to tie me down.

 

This debate is boiling over on fet, and it’s just a shitshow.

The foundation of all BDSM is consent. Some words have different meanings in different circumstances, used in one it can be offensive, in another it’s perfectly reasonable. Slave is one, yes, but try spade, or slope; same thing. The use of the word slavery in BDSM inherently includes the consensual entering into of an M/s arrangement. There’s nothing outdated about cooperation and harmony.

It’s like saying BDSM is antithetical to feminism; what a bunch of horsepuckey. I practice BDSM and it’s the absolute pinnacle of feminism; I’m getting exactly what I want and need with no barrier being erected to inhibit that as a consequence of my gender.

 

I think BDSM can mean different things to different people. My boyfriend is dominant, I am submissive. I always felt it takes a strong woman to submit. But that's what works for us. We have safe words, but our play is not "dangerous". Bottom line is that I trust him, but that took some time, too.

 

I’d like to address this specifically. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and it was nothing like D/s or M/s. For one thing, no negotiation or consent. I never knew what he was going to do. I was gaslighted and told I was worthless. Nothing I did was good enough. I felt like trash that no one else would ever pick up and if I didn’t stay with him I’d be alone.

With M/s, we talked about everything beforehand. No one just slapped a collar on me. I chose to accept it. We have rules; it’s consistent, there are guidelines for both of us. He builds me up, rather than breaking me down. He appreciates my service. If there’s a mistake or misunderstanding we talk about it; I’m not punished or ignored. He treats me like a prize to be proud of. We’re also part of the local BDSM community. We have friends in the lifestyle, some of the best friends I’ve ever had.

Before anyone asks: I was in an M/s relationship before the abusive one, I didn’t turn to it after being abused. It wasn’t related. Except in that when I look back on it and compare, I’m so much happier and healthier now.

 

I agree, a lot of subs and slaves I know are very strong people. They’re not doormats. And it does take time to build trust - that’s not visible from the outside. I don’t know anyone who’s serious about the lifestyle who rushed into it, but that seems to be an assumption.

 

The s holds all the power because they can remove their submission at any time!

Thinskin